My Worst Enemy

I've known for years that I am my own worst enemy. I am stubborn. I am strong-willed. I am the type of person who will bear pain until it is too much to handle. I am one who will let myself get hurt if it protects another person from harm. I am different than most and sometimes difficult to understand.

This whole journey of letting God take control is at a road block. It is my nature to try to take over. I have not told myself no. I realize all this does is hurt me more and make the process longer, but for some reason it feels comfortable. I deserve to be hurt and upset. I've become really good at taking the blame for everything. I don't want life to be this way. What I really want is described in this song by Dizmas. (Yes, more song lyrics.)

"I want to give this up. I want to hold Your hand. Take away this fear that's like an ocean in my head. I want to tell You now what I couldn't say before. You are everything that I was always looking for, so take me where You want me. Take me 'cause I wanna be Yours. I've got pride that I still have to break. It's keeping me away from You, but You stay patient while I make mistakes. I'm learning how to trust that You are always a Savior."

My heart is breaking. I don't feel like me. I have glimpses of myself and a smile crosses my face . . . but it fades quickly. Why can't I just let go? I know it is better when I am not the one in control, but I am not fully willing to hand everything over. I want to. I really want to. I just don't know how. My worst enemy is standing in my way . . .

Lyrical Inspiration

Anyone who knows me well knows how important music is in my life. Music usually speaks to me more than spoken words. It has significant impact. Sometimes it almost seems like my life really does have a soundtrack. Every time I walk into LifeWay, I leave with 2 cds minimum. Yes, I have a lot of cds. Like I said before, music has a significant impact. It has been my voice when I could not find the words.

During the past week or so, I've been listening to mostly new music. Well, it's new to me. I've gotten 5 cds in the past 3 weeks. Each of them has at least one song that has helped me through my current struggles . . . and also helped vocalize how I have been and am feeling. There are a few songs (some are just parts of songs) I would like to share, so bear with me.

These songs have a progression of how I felt and how things have changed. They really do illustrate my story well.

I was desperate for a change. I felt alone and broken. I knew something needed to change, but I did not know where to start. I made a choice to get back where I should be . . . a choice to overcome.
"SMS (Shine)" by David Crowder Band

"Send me a sign, a hint, a whisper. Throw me a line 'cause I am
listening. Come break the quiet, breathe Your awakening. Bring me to light 'cause I am fading. Surround me with a rush of angel's wings. Shine Your light so I can see You. Pull me up, I need to be near You. Hold me, I need to feel love. Can you overcome this high? Let's overcome."

There is still a battle inside me, but I know that God has already won the war for my heart. I am His. Because I am His, I cannot be plucked out of His hand.
"Battle" by Chris August

"There's a battle between good and evil, and it's raging inside of me. There's a struggle, it's God and the devil. It's Love against the enemy. Whoa, no. I'm not giving up now. Whoa. Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart. Oh, but what the cross has done. Yeah, the world will try to battle for my heart, but the war is already won.

My desire is to be closer to God. My life is His. He is in control. I am running back to Him, and I know He is there with arms wide open.
"Closer" by Shawn McDonald

"Looking for color in a shade of gray. Looking for love in a drop of rain. Trying to find change from the old mundane, but everything I do just feels the same. Spending my life out in the desert. Been gone so long, feels like forever. I just want to be closer to You. I just want to be closer. I am Yours. You can all of me, anything, everything. I just want to be closer. A day without you is a thousand years. A day without you is a million tears. Tell me, why do I run when I am in fear? Why do I run when you are so near? Been spending my life out in the weather. Been gone so long, and I need some
shelter. Wherever You go, wherever You are, I just want to be there with You."

"Running To You" by Newsboys

"Somebody told me about a place. Oh, I can see it, but I've gotta change my ways. Day after day it's the same old thing I keep repeating. No reason to stay this way. I know what I have to do. Get back to what I know is true. When everything is broken, there's a door wide open you'll find me running through. More than just emotion, my broken heart has chosen. Jesus, I'm running to You. I'm running to You. You're the only One who can fix what I've become. Oh, God, I believe in Your love."

No matter how far away I felt from God, He was still there. I was the one running. He never left me.
"No Far Away" by Chris August

"When I ran from You, I ran to You. When I tried to hide, I found You there. When I told You no, You knew right where I'd go. So when I ran from You, I ran to You. There's no way to get far away from You. There's no way to get far away from You. There's nowhere I could go that You're not already there. There's no way to get far away from You. There is no height or depth to hold You back. There is no tower veil to hide Your face 'cause You tore it down. Now we see you all around. So when we run from You, we run to You."

"Shadows" by David Crowder Band

"Life is full of light and shadow. Oh, the joy, and oh, the sorrow. Oh, the sorrow. And yet will He bring dark to light. And yet will He bring day from night. When shadows fall on us, we will not fear. We will remember. When darkness falls on us, we will not fear. We will remember. When all seems lost, when we're thrown and we're tossed, we remember the cost. We rest in the shadow of the cross."

I have built up walls between me and God. Honestly, it is easy for me to build those walls and be distant from Him because I have lived my life without a close father figure. I do not want walls between me and God. I want more of Him in my life, more of Him in my heart. I desire to be constantly overflowing with God. I know God is always with me, but I want to recognize He is thre and not push Him aside.
"The Space Between Us" by Shawn McDonald

"Lying here with my eyes wide open. Can you fix what I know I've broken? There's a hole in my heart where I need You to be. But I'm right here, and You're right there. Will you take this wall I've built and tear it down? And do what You always do, making the old so new. Taking away the space between us, filling it up with more of You. And do what You always do, 'cause You're my rescue. Taking away the space between us, taking away the space between me and You. Never really meant to be so distant. Should have known that it made no difference. You were holding my hand when I walked away. And You were there in the middle of the nights. You were there when I lost my sights, and You're still here with me today."

I will admit, giving everything over to God is scary for me, but I know it is necessary for me to be made into who I need to be. God is my redeemer and my restorer, and I know His love is unconditional. He will build me back to where I was . . . and will make me better than I was before.
"Build Us Back" by Newsboys

"When the thief takes, when our hopes cave, You build us back. You build us back. When the earth shakes, when the world breaks, You build us back. You build us back. We are scared, we are poor. All our safety nets are torn. We've been humbled to our knees. From these ruins, we believe. Redeemer, redeem us. Restorer, restore us. Oh, build us back. Though the mountains be shaken, the hills be removed, Your unfailing love still remains. After all that's been taken, Your promise, still sacred. You build us back with precious stones."

This song has been my anthem this week. I am a change in the making. God is changing me little by little, making me better than I have been and ever was. I know I need to change in order for life to be better. Not to mention I want to and am willing to change. I want to feel God near me constantly. Right now, I may be weak, but God is changing me and making me who He wants me to be.
"Change In the Making" by Addison Road

"There's a better version of me that I can't quite see, but things are gonna change. Right now I'm a total mess, and right now I'm completely incomplete, but things are gonna change. 'Cause You're not through with me yet. And this is redemption's story with every step that I'm taking. Every day, You're chipping away what I don't need. This is me under construction. This is my pride being broken. And every day, I'm closer to who I'm meant to be. I'm a change in the making. Wish I could live more patiently. Wish I could give a little more of me without stopping to think twice. Wish I had faith like a little child. Wish I could walk a single mile without tripping on my own feet. But You're not through with me yet. From the dawn of history, You make new and You redeem. From a broken world to a broken heart, You finish what You start in everything. Like a river rolls into the sea, we're not who we're going to be. But things are going to change . . . I'm not who I'm gonna be. Moving closer to Your glory."

It took me years to actually be willing to feel the Father's Love for me because I was scared it would disappear and I would be left with nothing. I have learned that God is always faithful, no matter what. He loves me every second of every day, and that will never change. I desire to be faithful to Him as well. I have chosen to let Him take control because I know He has my best interest in mind. He knows me better than I know myself.
"Faithful" by Shawn McDonald

". . . It's so easy to just forget the troubles You've brought me through, and yet I find it so hard to trust that you will stay. And I need to remember, oh, I need to remember You're faithful. Even when I fall down, even when I go south You will always be faithful. And I need You now, oh, I need You now, every part of me. You're faithful. What if I choose to just let go and let you finally take control? What if I finally trust that Your love remains? Sometime I feel like I'm way over my head, and I lose You. But I'm gonna do whatever it takes to stay faithful."

God is teaching me who I am in Him. These lyrics really are my prayer. Even if it is painful, I want everything I am trying to hide to be exfoliated. As God changes me, I am learning more about who He is and who I am. I look forward to walking with God on this journey. I know it won't always be easy, but He is with me.
"Who I Am In You" by Addison Road

"Let my heart beat with Your own. I need Your mercy even when it hurts. Please shine on me, shine on me. If there's anything I try to hide, I pray that You will bring it to the light. Strip away the lies that I pretend. Teach me how to be a child again. Resting in Your arms, resting in Your arms, and I could feel Your love changing me. Oh, You're bringing me to life, and I'm finding who I am in You, who I am in You. Oh, You're changing me inside, and I'm finding who I am in You, who I am in You. Breathe your breath into my soul. "

Note: I do plan on posting a blog about last Sunday's sermon, but it's to the point now where it is not fresh in my memory. I'm going to listen to the sermon again before I post about it so I'll be sure to include everything.

Weak

I had planned to write a post today/tonight about yesterday's sermon at church, but that will not be happening. It is unfortunately already pretty late, and I have been fighting a battle for the past few hours . . .

I knew trials would come, but I didn't expect them this quickly. Satan knew I was weak. He knew I would emotionally break down. I was strong for a while, even with fiery darts coming for me, but that didn't last long.

Times like this are discouraging to me, but times like this also make me further realize how essential God is in every aspect of my life, in every moment. As I sit here, I feel broken. I don't want to be broken anymore. I yearn to be whole.


Still, though trials may come, I will press on toward God. There is no turning back.

Turning Point

As much as I don't want to admit it, my relationship with God has been lacking lately. I am guilty of making pretty much every decision based on what I thought was right . . . not what God said to do. In fact, I haven't really even been giving Him room to interject in my thought processes about decisions. I've been trying to be superwoman when I should've been giving everything over to God and letting Him fight my battles.

People usually choose to run back to God when things get too tough to handle alone. Well, this time, I am one of those people. The arrogance in me still tells me that things aren't too tough to handle right now . . . but my flesh lies. I've been watching pieces of my life fall to the ground around me. I have forgotten who I am and God has meant for me to be. I want my life back.

I have known for a while now that something needed to change. I have actually told people that I have been focused on myself and not the Father . . . but I still maintained control of everything. I stubbornly tried with all I had in me to make everything right. The harder I tried, the worse life got. My motivation disappeared. My hunger vanished. My fire was snuffed. Over the period of a few months, my spirit died. But still, I didn't care enough to let God back in control.

It wasn't until after a volatile misunderstanding and a couple hours of sobbing on a cold floor that I hit rock bottom. To be honest, it wasn't even rock bottom . . . but I felt so empty, so alone, so wounded that I knew something had to be done. I realized that the "What can I do to fix this?" ponderings pointed to the root of the problem. Me. I was more than my own worst enemy; I was slowly pushing myself further from God, the source of Life. My strivings were crippling me to the point where I barely recognized myself. I was the cause of my own pain and unhappiness, simply because I kept God at arm's length.


In that moment, I decided that I was no longer just going to say something needed to change in my life. I was going to finally let God back in His rightful position begin breathing in the breath of Life again.


Music began to again have a deeper meaning than just words. My spirit listened to the meanings of the lyrics. Two of the songs in particular were from Stellar Kart. Tyler putting that cd in the car cd player was definitely a God thing.
The first song was "Automatic." I was almost in tears listening to it (which is an unusual experience for Stellar Kart songs).

"It's a mixed-up, messed-up world with an unsatisfaction guarantee,
so I'm pledging my allegiance to the One and only One who can set me free. I wanna love You like it's automatic, make You into my good habit. You're
the only One that really matters. Every minute, every day, it's
automatically ok when I make it all about You."

That is what I wanted. I had lived too long without God in my everyday life, and I wanted it to be an automatic reaction to love Him and give control of my life to Him.

A few songs later, "Pray" started playing. I sang with my spirit instead of my lips because of how strongly I felt. My spirit was singing to my flesh to pray . . .

"It's loud and clear your silence has been breakin' your
heart like no one hears. You feel you may have falled too far, but even if
you don't know the right words to say...Pray. Sit back and watch
the scenery change. Hold on to the promise that help is on the way.
Pray. If you think you're not good enough to receive what you need,
have a little faith and believe. God is not a stranger to the things you
might say . . . Something beautiful, your miracle is waiting on you."

God has been waiting on me to make the decision to run back into His arms. The fact that He still loves me no matter my shortcomings baffles me. I may never understand it, but I will learn to accept it.

These past few days have been a turning point in my life. I already feel lighter and more alive. I know I will have to make the daily decision to let God have control, but I am ready for it. Life is so much better with God at the center. He knows all things good for me and will never lead me astray. I choose to rely on Him for direction.



I would write more, but it is late (or early, depending on how you look at it). Tomorrow, I plan to post on the effect of today's church sermon. God is amazing. I needed to be there. The message was for me. More to come tomorrow . . .