My Worst Enemy

I've known for years that I am my own worst enemy. I am stubborn. I am strong-willed. I am the type of person who will bear pain until it is too much to handle. I am one who will let myself get hurt if it protects another person from harm. I am different than most and sometimes difficult to understand.

This whole journey of letting God take control is at a road block. It is my nature to try to take over. I have not told myself no. I realize all this does is hurt me more and make the process longer, but for some reason it feels comfortable. I deserve to be hurt and upset. I've become really good at taking the blame for everything. I don't want life to be this way. What I really want is described in this song by Dizmas. (Yes, more song lyrics.)

"I want to give this up. I want to hold Your hand. Take away this fear that's like an ocean in my head. I want to tell You now what I couldn't say before. You are everything that I was always looking for, so take me where You want me. Take me 'cause I wanna be Yours. I've got pride that I still have to break. It's keeping me away from You, but You stay patient while I make mistakes. I'm learning how to trust that You are always a Savior."

My heart is breaking. I don't feel like me. I have glimpses of myself and a smile crosses my face . . . but it fades quickly. Why can't I just let go? I know it is better when I am not the one in control, but I am not fully willing to hand everything over. I want to. I really want to. I just don't know how. My worst enemy is standing in my way . . .