Lent Day 43: School vs. Family

It is Thursday, which means there are just 3 more days of spring break yet . . . and I have done zero studying.  None.  Zip.  Some students in my class have been busting their butts with COMLEX studying and possibly studying for class also.  I, however, have been spending time with family. 

At times, I think about how much schoolwork and studying I had planned to do over spring break.  None of it has been accomplished.  When I think about it, I am initially stressed and slightly panicky.  The more I think about it though, the more I realized that I have been where I needed to be and doing what I needed to be doing this week.  Yes, I will have a lot to do on Sunday once I am back in Harrogate in preparation for Monday morning.  But I also believe that I will have the energy and concentration to do what I need to do because I have invested time this week where it was needed.

Some of this may sound absurd, but it really is how I feel.  My family has needed me this week, and it was the right decision to hang out with Mama, Granny, and my future family.  I know that I am going to have a ton to do for the first week that I am back in Harrogate, but I know my Father will be with me every step of the way. He will help me accomplish what needs to be done. 

Tomorrow is going to be yet another busy day, but there is a possibility of some studying in the evening.  There will also be time for studying on Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon before I head back to Tennessee.  Yeah, I have no doubt God is going to carry me through this.

On that note, it's time to get some sleep so I am rested for tomorrow.  Thank You, Lord, for peace!

Lent Day 42: Long Day

I was having some Internet connection issues earlier, so I haven't posted anything until now. 

Today was a long day, but it was a great one.  Mama and I spent the entire day together.  With me living in Tennessee, this doesn't happen too often.  It makes me happy to be able to spend time with her this week.  My mind is pondering some things from the day, but they may be put in tomorrow's blog instead of tonight's since it is late. 

Tomorrow is likely to be just as eventful as today.  I'm enjoying it.  :)

Lent Day 41: Heart

Here I sit beside Mama watching television.  It's the first time I've been home in a little over 2 months.  It's silly to me how I was itching to get out of this town when I was in high school.  It's really not as bad of a town as it seemed them.  I still don't want to live here for the rest of my life, but I really do enjoy coming back from time to time to see family.  Knowing that I don't live here anymore is probably part of the fun in it.  I know that I will leave soon and am not stuck here.

Home is where the heart is.  At least that's the popular saying.  I do believe it is true.  I love going to Tyler's hometown, and I can see myself living there.  I enjoy coming to my hometown also, but I know this is not where I'm supposed to live.  More of my heart lies in Tyler's hometown than my own now. 

I guess this is all a part of becoming an adult.  My life is in the process of changing since I'll be married in a few months.  It is sometimes hard to believe that I am an adult and am actually planning my wedding.  But I know the timing is right.  That has definitely been confirmed more than a few times. 

Once I let God have control of my heart, He was able to mend and heal it.  It was then that I was able to enter into a relationship that God had already been preparing both me and Tyler for.  God knew what He was doing long before either of us did.  God still has my heart, but Tyler also has it.  God planned it that way.  And in a few months, Tyler really will be home to me.  It is amazing to look back and see where God had His hand in this relationship continuously over the past 7 years.  I know it will continue to get sweeter as the years continue to pass.

Now that I've rambled, it's time to end.  God is still writing a beautiful story with me and Tyler.  My heart has been healed by the Father and given to a man whom God prepared for me.  I could never be thankful enough that God placed us together.

Lent Day 40: Sabbath is a Gift

Tonight during Bible study, it occurred to me how much there is to discover in the words of the Bible.  We were studying Exodus 14.  The Israelites left Egypt a couple months before and were grumbling about not having meat or food.  God heard their grumblings and provided them with what they wanted: quail and manna.  However, they were given instructions to not take more than they needed and to consume all of it before the next day.  The Israelites quickly found out that the Lord meant what He said, for the manna was rotten and full of maggots the next day.

Before providing food, the Lord told Moses that the Israelites would know it was He who had provided for them by the meat and bread they would find to eat.  But still, they seemed to doubt.  When the grumblings were first answered, the Israelites lived in a place of distrust.  They didn’t follow the directions that the Lord had given them concerning the manna.  The Lord still provided for them even then. 

I think what was most astonishing to me was that God gave them the Sabbath.  It was a gift to the Israelites; it was not a gift for the Lord Himself.  He gave this day to the Israelites so they could rest.  The Israelites were gathering manna daily.  It was their job; it was work.  So God told them to gather a double portion on the sixth day and cook it so they would have food on the next day when manna would not be provided.  I don’t believe the Israelites saw the purpose in this day of rest initially because they still went out to gather manna after they had already been told by God that it would not be there on the Sabbath.  God wanted them to have a time of rest and refreshment when nothing needed to be done. 

That is very applicable even today: many people (myself included) do not always see the significance in taking a Sabbath, whether it be for a whole day or just a few hours.  We have become so self-sufficient that we believe we must constantly be on the go and/or working that we sometimes forget that God wants us to be still and know that He is God . . . and that He will take care of everything.  A lot of this has to do with faith.  Do we have enough faith to take a Sabbath and trust that what we have done during the week is sufficient?  Do we really trust God to take care of us? 

I want to say that I trust God enough to truly have a Sabbath, a time of rest.  Sometimes at school, I do take those times of rest because I know they are necessary to renew my mind and clear my thoughts.  But I don’t always go into the times of rest trusting that God will take care of everything.  Sometimes I am still worrying during those times of rest which means I’m not really resting at all . . . and I’m definitely not living by faith and trusting God. 

 

Those questions that came up in Bible study tonight are still rolling around in my mind.  They have definitely challenged me.  I know that God will always provide for me.  Now it’s time to really live what I believe and trust that He truly will take care of me, especially when I rest in Him.  It’s time that I recognize Sabbath as a gift from God to me that allows rest and rejuvenation.  God obviously wants me to have this time of rest, a time to look to Him for refreshment and peace.

Lent Day 39: A New Week

I am very excited to start a new week.  This one seems to have lasted for much longer than the typical 7 days.  The beginning of this past week was definitely rough with multiple exams on back-to-back days, but the end of the week has been perfect. 

Although this upcoming week is going to be busy, I have great expectations for it.  More wedding stuff is on the agenda (yay!) as well as spending some time with Mama for a few days, the Color Me Rad 5K on Saturday, and Easter with Tyler’s family on Sunday.  I also have quite a bit of studying to do, but I really do think I’m ready to face it head on.  With so much other stuff mixed in with it and no class this week, studying will not seem as daunting as usual. 

This is also the last week of Lent.  Tomorrow will be day 40 for me because I also wrote blogs on Sundays.  I didn’t learn until a couple weeks into Lent that Sundays are not included in the 40-day count.  My commitment is through Easter, so there are still 7 more blogs coming.  J

I am looking forward to what this new week holds.  I have already learned a lot over the past 39 days and am sure that God will continue to teach me more over the next 7 days . . . and even after Lent is over.

Lent Day 38: Laughter

“A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.”

- Proverbs 17:22 (AMP) 

After laughing what feels like constantly for a couple days now, I have realized how much my spirit has been dried up recently.  With the stress of school and other responsibilities weighing me down, I lost my joy; therefore, I lost a lot of life that was in me.  I didn’t realize the severity of it all until I reclaimed my joy.

Like I said a couple days ago, it feels SO good to be home.  I truly have laughed more in the past couple days than probably in the past couple months at least.  I feel more like myself and am clearly much happier.  My stress level has greatly reduced, and I feel more energetic. 

Proverbs 17:22 does not lie.  A merry heart really is good medicine.  No stretch of the imagination is necessary; it’s not exaggeration.  Laughter is good medicine.  In my opinion, it’s even better than medicine!  It’s cheaper and natural; it renews our bodies as well as our minds.  It brings life back to us instead of just reducing symptoms of sickness. 

Laughter brings happiness, freedom, and energy as well as an incredible feeling of life.  By being away from it for so long, I have definitely learned that I need to keep it in my life no matter how stressed I may be.  Life is much better with laughter.  Everything around me seems more alive, including myself. 

Laughter really is the best medicine.  It allows God to breathe new life into my spirit, awakening me to the beauty both in and around me.

Lent Day 37: Feels So Good

Today has been amazing.  After such a stressful week, it is so great to feel like I’m back to being myself.  I have laughed and smiled what feels like a thousand times today.  I have needed this time of refreshment.  Through this time, I believe God is showing me that I am so much more blessed than I typically think. 

Being around Tyler’s family, which is my future family, always puts a smile on my face.  This family that I will be a part of in just a few short months already loves me, and I love them dearly.  They have been my home away from home for at least the past 3 years; Tyler’s parents have been a second family to me for even longer.  I can honestly never thank God enough for leading me and Tyler together.  Not only do I get to marry an amazing man, but I get to become a part of an incredibly loving family.  

I am definitely looking forward to spending some time with my own family in the next few days.  Living in a different state makes me savor the moments I get to spend with them even more.  It has also made me more thankful for them.  We may not always see eye to eye on everything, but I know my family loves me and will do anything.  I am excited to go home for a few days and give away lots of hugs and love!

Tomorrow I get to see my sister and nephew! J It really does feel so good to be home. 

Lent Day 36: Friends

My entire life, I have longed for really close friendships that I knew would last a lifetime.  Many tears have been shed over friendships lost or those that weren’t what I initially thought.  It was tough growing up without many friends, but my life today is a different story. 

Throughout elementary, middle, and high school, I did not have many friends.  My first day of public school (7^th grade), only one student spoke to me.  She and I became close very quickly and remained close until graduation.  We went through a lot of life by each other’s side.  My friendship with her was my very first taste of what a fruitful friendship is capable of being.  After that, though, we both went our separate ways for college and rarely saw each other.  We haven’t seen or spoken to each other in a couple years now.  I graduated 7 years ago and only keep in touch regularly with maybe 2 people from high school, one of which I met my senior year.

College was a bit of the same, but a little better.  I met the guy who was to become my best friend (and, little did I know then, my future husband) the weekend before classes began freshman year.  He was my rock the entire 4 years of undergrad.  I had a few other close friends during college also, a handful with whom I still keep in touch (and dearly miss them as well as Taco Tuesdays!!).  I also found friends at the church I was attending during college.  Those 4 years, especially junior and senior years, were the first time in my life that I had many people around me who I felt were great friends.  God was answering my prayers.

Medical school was yet another time to start over for me.  In the past 3 years (medical school + post-baccalaureate year), I have found the most amazing friends.  They are absolutely indispensable and a constant encouragement.  Even more friendships are being cultivated with people from church.  I may not have as many friends as some, but the ones I do have are incredibly amazing and know exactly what I need when I need it. 

God has tremendously blessed me with a community of friends that would carry me through pretty much anything.  They walk with me and uplift me, and I am so glad every single one of them is a part of my life.

 

I’ve come to the realization that it really isn’t necessary to have hundreds of friends.  Having a few really close ones whom I know I can depend on at all times and who love me for who I am is pretty spectacular.  I am truly thankful for the friends that I do have.  A large portion of my drive from Tennessee to North Carolina today was spent thanking God for blessing me with such incredible people in my life.  God does answer prayers; and when He answers them, it is very likely that you will wind up with something far greater than you expected. J

Lent Day 35: One More Day

This will be the shortest blog to date.  It may only be a few sentences in length, but I am so exhausted that sleep seems much wiser than anything else at the moment.  I get to finally go home tomorrow.  It is going to be so amazing to be able to see family and friends for 10 days straight.  When I come back here, there will be 4 weeks of classes and 2 weeks of exams left before the end of school.

It’s hard to believe I’ve made it this far.  I definitely determined to finish stronger than I began. J

Lent Day 34: Still Going

With God's help, I have made it through another busy day.  It feels like a whole week has gone by in the past two days, but I am still going.  There are still a few more hurdles to jump before going home on Thursday. 

Although the exams I have had this week haven’t gone as I have planned, I still made it through them.  I am still at peace . . . and I am certainly going to sleep well tonight.

The past couple blogs have not been long or deep, but they are real and true.  I’m still inhaling peace and exhaling thankfulness for a God who loves me endlessly and brings me through every step of life.  This is still an amazing journey that I am happy to still be on.  God is teaching me sometime daily, and I’m enjoying the ride.

Lent Day 33: Eyes Up

It is getting late, so this will be short.  The test today did not go as well as I had hoped, but I didn’t hang my head.  Previously when exams did not turn out well, I would basically crawl in a hole and be extremely antisocial.  Today, however, I got quite a few things accomplished and was friendly with other people.  God is teaching me to keep my eyes up and continue moving forward.

I have another test tomorrow afternoon that I will be studying for a little tonight and a lot in the morning.  I’m still taking this one step at a time.  The peace of God is hanging around my apartment, and I love it!  It really helps keep me calm, and I’m sure it will help me focus tomorrow morning while studying.

I am truly grateful that God brought me through today with my head held high.  Now I’m moving forward onto the next battle looking up to the One who gives me strength.

Lent Day 33: One Day At A Time

The upcoming week is definitely a busy, but there is a reward at the end.  Spring break.  It’s so easy to not want to face the obstacles that lie in the way of my freedom from school for one week, but it is necessary to face them.  If I don’t, then I won’t receive the reward.

The same goes for my relationship with God.  If I do not press through the obstacles and trials that may come, then I will not receive the reward at the end: spiritual growth and the chance to be closer to my Father.  I know God wants to give me abundant life and freedom, but He also said that there would be difficult times.  He is always with me through both good times and bad, so I have no reason to worry.  When I lean on Him, He will always bring me through.

I’m not really worried about the next couple days (not like I have been previously anyway).  Yes, I’m a bit stressed; but I know that it will all end soon, and I will receive the reward.  I will be taking it just one step at a time today and tomorrow morning before the test.  There is a lot of material to get through, but I’m trusting that God will help me get through it quickly and remember what I study. 

I’ll be rejoicing in a couple days after all of this is over.  I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep pressing through it.

Lent Day 32: Like A Child

“At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, ‘Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’  He called a little child, whom he placed among them.  And he said: ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore, whoever takes a humble place – becoming like this child – is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.  And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.’”

- Matthew 18:1-5 (TNIV)

“People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them.  When Jesus saw his, he was indignant.  He said to them, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.  Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.’  And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.”

- Mark 10:13-16 (TNIV) 

Today it was “sunny with a high of 75” here in Harrogate.  (Yes, that is a Relient K reference.)  I spent about 4 hours studying outside in the beautiful sunshine this morning before going for an afternoon run.  While I was sitting outside, the little girls from next door came over to my yard flying kites.  They didn’t have a care in the world!  I sat and watched them run around laughing for a few minutes and smiled.  Then when I went to the park to run, there were multiple families and lots of children running around enjoying the warmth and sunshine.  It was refreshing to see.  I definitely miss being that young and having nothing to worry about.

Jesus said that we should be like little children.  I think He meant we should be careless and free . . . and completely lean on Him.  That’s the reason children are seemingly carefree and so happy.  They know that their parents will take care of them, so they can enjoy life.  Our Heavenly Father is better than any earthly parent could ever be, so doesn’t He care for His children even more?  The Bible does tell us to cast our cares on Him, for He cares for us.  (1 Peter 5:7) 

As I have become an adult (it’s still a little weird to admit that I am one), it has become harder to depend on God rather than myself.  Since I am living independently for the most part, my brain apparently thinks I’m supposed to do everything myself.  I’m not really sure how else to explain it.  Sometimes I really do have to make a conscious decision to lean on God so that He can carry me through whatever troubles with which I may be dealing. 

I want to be more like a child: carefree, happy, and living in complete freedom.  The only way to accomplish this is to fully rely on God for everything.  Life will be much more enjoyable like that anyway. 

Lord, please help me to be more like a child and depend on you for everything! 

Lent Day 31: Asking, Seeking, Knocking

This weekend is yet another exam weekend with tests on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.  Thankfully, one of the Tuesday exams has been moved to a different week; but there is still plenty of material to study. 

Jesus tells us if we ask, it will be given to us.  We will find what we seek.  He will open the door for us if we knock.  I, however, seem to forget these things because I allow myself to become overwhelmed with everything that I need to do.  My default setting is to rely on myself to get everything accomplished (yes, this has been changing).  It is so easy to try to do it on my own because that’s what I thought I had been doing for so long.  As it turns out, I was just denying God the praise and thanks He deserved for bringing me to where I am.

I realize that the previous paragraph is a bit of a ramble, but it’s the order in which my mind was flowing.  If God is always with me even when I’m not asking, seeking, and knocking, imagine how much more would happen if I actually relied on Him for everything!  I do realize that God will never leave me (sounding like a broken record again), but many times I take Him for granted.  I don’t seek or knock to ask for something more because I know He’s always there.  By doing this, I am only robbing myself from the ridiculously generous blessings God is waiting to bestow upon me.

I honest believe that.  When I don’t lay out my petitions before God, seek what He desires for me, or know on the door that He is waiting behind, I truly am robbing myself of the incredible things that are sitting there on the other side of the door.  I am missing being wrapped up in His arms with not a care in the world.  I am missing His guidance of every step in my life. 

I don’t want to miss the very best that God has for me.  The desire for Him to be the center of my life runs so deeply in me that I get irritated with myself when I don’t ask Him for help.  I know that God knows what is best for me.  He knows me better than I know myself. 

He is waiting for me.  I think it is past time for me to knock on that door and talk.  The conversation is sure to instill peace and life.  Let’s do it. J

Lent Day 30: Missing Home

Beginning Monday afternoon, I will have 4 exams and 2 meetings in the matter of 48 hours.  Today I didn’t have class, so it would have been a fantastic day to get a TON of studying in.  However, it was apparently also a great day to miss home and family. 

Sometimes it is really easy to miss the life I could be living rather than the one I am living.  School and studying has gotten old.  Even though only 2 months are left in the semester and the COMLEX is in less than 3 months, I’m still over it.  It is really difficult to live alone in a different state than my family watching many of my friends living seemingly careless lives, lives where they have jobs and families (i.e. they are already married).  I really do feel like the pause button for my life has been hit and the play button is either broken or nonexistent. 

I get irritated with myself because I know this is a fleeting feeling.  It comes and goes.  But for the past few weeks, I’ve felt like I’ve been in a hamster wheel running as fast as I can but going nowhere.  Then I hit a low point (where I am now) and get blubbery for around a day.  Of course, this usually happens close to a test.   Thankfully though, the test isn’t until Monday.  There is still time.

I know tomorrow will be better.  A lot is on the agenda for tomorrow, but it will be great to finally get through a lot of preparation for next week’s exams.  When I call the Father’s name, He hears me.  He answers me.  He is with me.  He is my home when I am away from home. 

Now I just need to get my thoughts and feelings in line with His.

Lent Day 29: To Love Lavishly Is Hard

“Living in God’s true love is a process.  First, God loves us, and by faith, we receive His love.  We then love ourselves in a balanced way, give love back to God, and learn to love other people.  Love must follow this course or it is not complete.  Once we have God’s love in us, we can give it away.  We can choose to love others lavishly.  We can love them as deeply and unconditionally as God has loved us.”

- Excerpt from Promises for Your Everyday Life by Joyce Meyer

None of us are perfect, and we have all saddened the Father multiple times.  Imagine what life would be like if God stopped loving us or left us after we did a certain number of things that hurt Him.  It would be awful!  Every single one of us would be walking through life alone.  Thankfully, we don’t have to worry about that.

Now put it into the perspective of our own lives.  Well, I’ll put it into perspective of my life.  Once I am hurt multiple times, it is extremely difficult to continue loving the person who hurt me.  It is also difficult for me to feel loved or purposeful during such times.  This has unfortunately happened on more than one occasion in my life.  Each time, it doesn’t seem to get any easier.  The most recent occurrence left me a bit shattered, and it has been consuming my thoughts over the past few days. 

It’s so humbling to know that God loves us no matter what, and we love because He first loved us.  I truly desire to be more like Christ and learn how to be like Him, but it is hard to give over myself to follow Him.  He has told us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.  I’m pretty sure that even means after you are hurt by someone on multiple occasions.  No, you may no longer be close friends; but that doesn’t mean you stop loving or stop praying for that person.  We are supposed to follow Christ’s example and love that person lavishly.  In fact, we are to love everyone lavishly.  As God’s Love flows through us, we are able to love those around us better.

So, loving others is a choice.  That means we choose whether or not to love others.  When I think about that, it slaps me in the face.  Right now, it is certainly difficult for me to let go and move on since the hurt is so raw; but as I turn it over to God, I know He will help me through it. 

My prayer is that I will learn how to love others from the best Teacher.  He will teach me to love others lavishly as He Himself loves me lavishly.  Again, I am thankful that He loves me unconditionally even though I do not deserve it at all.  God becomes more magnificent and incredible to me every day.

Lent Day 28: Would You? Could You?

At the beginning of the year, I started a Bible reading plan.  It is one chapter per day of random books.  I started in Philippians, jumped to Leviticus, then the Corinthians, and now I am in Judges.  Certain passages have been a much easier read than others.  Leviticus, in particular, was one of the more difficult books. 

All through Leviticus, I pondered the question, “Would I have been able to do that?”  The Israelites were required to follow so many laws and risked “losing” the Lord if they did not follow Him.  I really am not sure if I would’ve been able to do that.  Thankfully, we live under the new covenant and don’t have to worry about that.

Anyway, that same feeling came back today when I was reading Judges 11.  I never knew there was someone else in the Bible who sacrificed his child other than Abraham.  Well, Abraham didn’t sacrifice Isaac, but he would have if the angel of the Lord hadn’t stopped him.  He had faith that God would stay true to His promise.  Jephthah was a bit of a different story.  He was the daughter of Gilead and a concubine; therefore, the sons of Gilead’s wives drove Jephthah from his father’s house.  Later on, they needed his help.  (This in a way reminded me of the story of Joseph and his brothers, but that can be saved for a different time.) 

Jephthah’s brothers eventually talked him into leading Gilead against the Ammonites.  At first, the king of Ammon did not listen to what Jephthah said.  He then made a vow to God.  “If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord’s, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.”  (Judges 11:30-31 TNIV)  Little did he know that the first thing to come out of the door when he returned after his victory would be his only child, his daughter.

Jephthah was devastated and tore his clothes . . . but still, he remained faithful to his vow to God.  Even his daughter was astoundingly understanding.  “’My father,’ she replied, ‘you have given your word to the Lord.  Do to me just as you promised, now that the Lord has avenged you of your enemies, the Ammonites.  But grant me this one request,’ she said.  ‘Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because I will never marry.’”  (Judges 11:36-37)

I do not have children, so I cannot speak from that perspective.  But I am my mother’s only child.  If she were to tell me that she made a vow to God to sacrifice me because I was the first to come out of the house, I would probably be less understanding than Jephthah’s daughter.  I couldn’t imagine how I would react. 

Even though many people say “times are tough and only getting tougher,” reading passages like this make me feel extremely blessed to be living in the time that I do.  If I lived in the times of Leviticus and Judges, I’m not sure that I would be able to follow the Words of the Lord.  Today, living under the new covenant means that His mercy is new every morning.  I do not have to worry about following a long list of rules because there one doesn’t exist.  Yes, I do desire to be obedient to God daily in everything . . . but I also know that I will fail.  I am not perfect.  And I am beyond thankful to God that He loves us and forgives.

“God of mercy, full of grace, You are forever, always forever.  Slow to anger, rich in love.  You are forever, always forever.  We hear Your kingdom shout and all Your praises raise.  So let the heavens roar, echo across the ground.  And as Your people sing of Your majesty, Lord, hear the sound.  You forgive, You forgive everyone.  You restore, You restore everyone.  You redeem, You redeem everyone.”

- “Hear The Sound” by All Sons & Daughters

Lent Day 27: His Strength

Today has been a bit rough.  Between not feeling well this morning and having a whole lot of material to study between now and the tests on Monday and Tuesday of next week, I was a bit stressed.  I haven’t accomplished nearly anything I wanted to today.  I keep telling myself that as long as I keep working, it will all get done . . . even if it takes me a lot longer than most people.  Instead of catching up some or at least getting daily things done, I am more behind in studying and schoolwork with each passing day.  Yes, I’m being serious.  It does get really discouraging and stressful.

 

This week more so than some other weeks, I will be relying on God for His strength to carry me through.  It has been made quite clear that I cannot get through this on my own.  Today was a testament to that.  But I still don’t have reason to worry.  God has giving me His Spirit, and with His Spirit comes His strength.

 

“Walk by faith, not by sight.  As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you.  If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you.  When I gave you May Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength.  That’s why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you.  The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless.  By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.”

- Excerpt from Jesus Calling 

My energy level may say I can’t do it, but the Spirit that lives within me is limitless.

Lent Day 26: Downhill Slope

Nearly 20 months ago, I began medical school.  These past 20 months have been challenging in more ways than one.  There were a few times that I thought about quitting because I was so stressed out.  But I ended up staying because I knew it was where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing.  Now I only have 9 weeks left of classes, one of which is spring break.  Let’s be even more specific.  There are 60 days left before my last clinical exam on May 9.  Two months.  I am on the downhill slope.

It seems like time has been creeping but flying by at the same time.  It is crazy to think that 2 months from now, all of my medical school classes will be complete.  I will have survived half of medical school.  This proves to me that God really does bring us through when we are following His plan for our lives.  God has been completely faithful to me throughout medical school.  I am being intensely honest when I say that He is the reason I made it through.  Without Him and the friends and family God blessed me with, I most likely would have quit.  I would have stopped following God’s plan for my life and settled for something else.  I will be forever thankful to God for constantly being with me through this; I know He will continue to be with me through everything else in life also.

Four weeks after my last exam, I will be taking the COMLEX.  The COMLEX is another huge hurdle, but I know I can do it!  God has brought me this far, and He will be faithful to bring me through it all.  I can already imagine myself doing a dance of thankfulness and happiness after the COMLEX is over.  I might actually start those happy dances now in celebration of what is to come in just a mere 2-3 months.

This weekend with Mama has been the rejuvenation that I needed.  Now that I am on the downhill slope, I will let the momentum carry me through to the finish line.  It is so close!!   

 

 

Thank You, Lord, for bringing me this far!!  Without You, I would not be where I am today.  Where You lead, I will follow; for Your ways and thoughts are SO much better than my own.

Lent Day 25: Soaking It In

I know the past few blogs haven’t been super spiritual, but the past couple days have been a breath of fresh air.  It has been absolutely phenomenal to have my mama around.  After all, she is my best friend!  My heart has been bursting with joy ever since she arrived.  I just wish she didn’t have to go back home tomorrow.

Today she and I had quite an adventure.  We had planned to go shopping for running shoes and who knows what else.  After roaming around the mall for a bit, we went to Happy Hour at Sonic.  As there aren’t that many things to do in Harrogate and Middlesboro, Mama asked me what I wanted to do.  My mind immediately flipped to wedding dress shopping.

My only absolutely-must-have wish for wedding dress shopping was that Mama would be with me.  I knew that I would see her again over spring break, but today we were together and looking for something to do.  So off we went to store #1.  I found two dresses that I liked on the hanger.  One didn’t fit; the other fit, but it wasn’t what I was looking for.  The lady working there then sent us to the other branch of the same store. 

On the way to store #2, Mama told me that she believed when I found the dress, I would know it and would get a discount on it.  I agreed with her.  After all, we are blessed people.  Well at this second store, I found two more dresses to try on.  As soon as I saw the first one in the mirror, a smile lit up my face.  It fit like a glove and was beautiful!!  I couldn’t stop smiling.  It surprised me how much I liked the dress.  Mama could tell it too.  She even asked me if I was still going to try the other dress on!

I did still try on the second dress.  It was a couple sizes too big, but I still liked the style and design of the dress.  The first dress was more my style and taste . . . so I ended up putting it on again.  And once again, I stood in the mirror and stared at it.  I didn’t want to take it off.  I kept looking at Mama waiting for her to talk me out of it, but she didn’t.  Apparently she liked it too.

To make this story a bit shorter, I walked out of the store wedding dress in hand!  Mama bought my 50%-off dress for me.  J  Yes, you read that right.  It was 50% off!!  Mama was right about that discount too!!  God is so good!!!

After putting the dress in the car and leaving the store, I was still smiling.  Every time I thought about it, I started giggling.  Mama was laughing at me because I was so giddy.  She looked at me and said, “It’s feeling real, isn’t it?”  Yes ma’am!  It is definitely feeling real.  I’m still soaking it all in.

God is so unbelievably good!! He knew that dress was waiting for me even though I really didn’t expect to find a dress today.  It’s been a few hours now, and I’m still smiling.  January will be here before I know it!

Lent Day 24: Enjoyment

For the past 3 years, I have lived in Tennessee 5.5 hours away from my North Carolina home.  School prevents me from going home as often as I would like.  Well, this time, home came to me.

I left school around 7pm last night.  When I opened my car door, I noticed a picture of me and my mama sitting on the dash in front of the speedometer.  I immediately knew she was in town to surprise me.  I felt a giant smile cross my face and shrieked with joy.  As I quickly cranked the car and drove off, I was beyond excited to get back to my apartment and see my mama.  I parked in the driveway and literally ran to the door, leaving everything in my car.  When I opened the door, there she was!  Mama was here!!  It seriously was a much-needed bright spot in my day.

It was great to know someone was in the apartment this morning when I woke up.  Some days are really tough living here alone, but this morning, I had someone to talk to before I went to class.  It has been absolutely wonderful to spend time with her today . . . and she’ll be here until Sunday!!

Tonight, Mama cooked dinner for me and some of my friends (yes, I helped).  It was great to sit here with Mama and my friends for a night of enjoyment.  I have great expectations for the weekend.  I know Mama and I both will be enjoying our time together.

Today, I have been extremely thankful that Mama is here to spend time with me.  It may be time for bed now.  She’s falling asleep on a frog pillow pet covered up in a Snuggie.  J  I love my mama.

Lent Day 23: Give It Up!

In 2006, I competed in a pageant.  I knew people who had been in pageants previously, but I really had no idea what went on behind the scenes until I experienced it.  What I found out was not what I expected.  Many of the girls in the pageant were superficial and fake.  They told the judges what they wanted to hear instead of being honest.  When the curtains were drawn, there was talk about alcohol and sex; but when the curtain was up, these teenage girls were parading around in front of the judges telling lies about who they were.  I couldn’t understand why some of these girls insisted on putting up a façade just to win a plastic trophy or to have someone look at them with approval.  Witnessing all of this resulted in my quick decision to make that my first and last pageant. 

Today, I was reminded of that pageant.  I was reliving it in different situations today.  During those times, I want to just stand up and yell, “Give it up!  Give up the act!!”  I simply don’t understand why falsifying the truth and selling yourself short is a better choice than speaking the truth, no matter if it is pretty or not.  The more I thought about this today, the more it began to parallel with walking with God.

All too often, we want God to see only what we want Him to see.  We forget that He sees everything.  We put up a front that looks pleasing to those around us while putting up walls to everything inside us.  While everyone around might think we are so wonderful and doing well, we are broken, bitter, damaged, and scarred on the inside.  By building up these walls and remaining superficial, we prevent God from taking care of the hurt and pain that is inside us.  We prevent Him from making us whole.

Many times today, I have been reminded of how much I can prevent God from helping and healing me.  For years, that was my first choice.  I harbored the hurt and put a smile on my face even though I was completely torn apart on the inside.  I had built up walls that rooted the bitterness and unhappiness more deeply than it needed to be. 

Why don’t we give up the act and really let God in?  Is it that difficult to forget what others may think or see in order to be whole?  Personally, I think we are robbing ourselves when we deny the ugly stuff inside us.  The more we deny it, the more it spoils and grows like bacteria in our spirits.  In order to be whole, we must make a daily decision to give up the act and let God take care of the imperfections.  He always has our best interests in mind and wants us to be healed, whole, and free.

Lent Day 22: Breathe

Today has been yet another busy day, and it seems like days just keep getting busier.  Tomorrow will be the same way.  Every time I turn around, I’m either supposed to be somewhere or have something else important on my schedule to do.  It really does become difficult to keep track of everything in life, still be able to study, and still be able to spend time with God.  To be honest, I’m tired.  I really want to sleep . . . even before 7pm.  If I could go to bed at 7pm and know I would sleep through the entire night, I would.  But I doubt that would happen.

It is taking so much fight and a lot of trust to make it through.  Tonight, I’m choosing to sit down and take a few hours to breathe.  I’ll still get my reading finished for tomorrow, but that may be all I accomplish today.  It’s necessary for my mental health though, as well as my spiritual health.  The way to receive refreshment is to sit and rest. 

So for the next little while, I will be sitting in my comfy beanbag chair hanging out in front of the space heater.  I will be thanking God for getting me through today.  I will be reflecting on how much God has blessed me.  And I will be breathing.

Lent Day 21: Provision

Throughout the day, I have been reminded of God’s provision in my life as well as in the life of my friends.  It really is true that God is always fighting for His children.  He loves us and blesses us continually.  He truly does hear our prayers, even the ones we utter not as prayers but as desires.  He hears them all.  When we bring our petitions to Him and delight ourselves in Him, He gives us the desires of our heart.  There is no greater feeling than to know that we are all loved that much. 

As I think about the next three months of my life, I am nervous.  Classes end in less than two months.  The Comprehensive Osteopathic Medical Licensing Examination (COMLEX) is three months from this Thursday.  After that, I’ll be moving out of my apartment even though I don’t know how I’m going to get everything home or where I’m going to put it.  It is a little scary to think of all the studying, tests, labs, and review courses that will take place from now until June 7.  At times, it feels quite overwhelming.  But within me, I know that the Lord will provide. 

He will not only provide, but He will lead me in the right direction.  It is my choice, however, to choose either to follow His direction or go my own way.  Life really is much easier when I choose to follow Him.  Sometimes making that decision is difficult though because my mind is pulling in one direction while my spirit is pulling in another. 

I am still learning how to discern the Spirit from the flesh, but it is getting easier.  It is a process just like everything else, but I know God will provide during this time of learning. 

He is Jehovah Jireh, our provider.  And He will never let His children down.  That is something in which I am absolutely confident.

Lent Day 20: Shut Your Mouth!

All day, I’ve been telling myself to shut my own mouth.  This morning wasn’t exactly easy . . . and I found myself complaining about things that needed to be done and calling myself stupid because I failed a quiz.  I really did feel stupid, but that’s not enough reason to proclaim that I am a failure.

This morning’s Joyce Meyer devotional was about controlling the tongue.  God obviously already knew in what are I was going to need help today.  While reading it, I was reminded of a cassette that I used to listen to growing up.  One of the songs on it was “Keep Your Tongue.”  A bunch of children and their leader sang “Keep your tongue from evil, keep your tongue . . . and your lips from speaking lies.  Keep your tongue from evil, keep your tongue.”  The last round they all hold their tongues and sing, which makes it sound funny.  That is appropriate for a children’s cassette tape to make it more fun, but I think the meaning of them holding their tongues is much deeper than for the sake of something fun.

 

We all need to practice holding our tongues, not in the physical sense but in the mental sense.  All too often, we do not refrain from saying something that either degrades ourselves or degrades others. 

“What would happen if you gave your mouth to God each day so that only godly words came from your lips?  And I’m not just talking about praising and thanking God in your quiet time, or speaking positive, encouraging words over yourself.  The health of your relationships depends on how you speak to, over and about others.”

- Excerpt from Joyce Meyer, Promises for Your Everyday Life

I think part of the reason I complain is because I fail to seek the help that God has offered, and I turn to my own vices to try to get through the day.  And then, because I lean on myself for strength, I get upset when I don’t succeed.  Every time I say something false or complain, I immediately battle myself in my mind.  “Why did you just say that?  What are you thinking?  You know you are so much better than that.  Why are you not claiming positive things?”  I get irritated with myself when I don’t speak what I know is the truth. 

This afternoon has been a bit better.  I’m still working on staying positive even when under stress or when things don’t go my way.  I’m sure this will be a lifelong process and will become easier as I delve deeper into the heart of the Father. 

This really is an amazing journey to be on, even if it is sometimes difficult.  As I go through the difficult times, I learn more than if it was always easy.  I’m thankful for the good days and the bad because God is with me through them all.

Lent Day 19: Rest

It seems appropriate that today is Sunday, and I have been resting for the entire day.  I had this plan of getting so much stuff done . . . but I ended up in my living room on the couch just sitting in peace for the better part of the day.  This evening when I read Jesus Calling, it ironically had to do with voices vying for control of my mind especially when sitting in silence.  That is so true.  When I sit still, I feel pulled in tons of different directions.  Sometimes what I really need is just to sit, wait, and listen to the Lord and allow Him to bring peace. 

I began getting anxious later in the day because of everything going on tomorrow and the rest of the week, but I know that God is with me.  Everything really will be okay.  It is so much fun to be able to relax in His presence and not worry about what tomorrow may bring. 

Yes, this week is filled with challenges and tasks.  But by having this day of rest, I believe I will be more energized for the week.  I am walking into this new week with great expectations.

Lent Day 18: Religion divides. Christ unifies.

I’m sitting down to write this now between studying, dinner, and a basketball game.  Otherwise, it won’t get posted until late tonight . . . and there’s a possibility I could forget.   Today really has been productive, although I haven’t accomplished as much for school as I wanted.  You can only go so fast through material.  But all in all, I accomplished more today than typical.  Tomorrow will hopefully be the same. 

Now to the point of this blog:

When I read the Joyce Meyer devotional today, I laughed.  It was something that Tyler and I discussed lightly last night on the phone.  Part of how Joyce Meyer got her point across was quite humorous also.

“The Bible says we must be born again.  It doesn’t say we must be religious.  Unfortunately, we as Christians often present the Gospel to people like it’s a list of religious rules, not true relationship with God.  But following ‘Christian’ rules and going to church won’t make you a Christian any more than sitting in a garage will make you a car.  Religious rules and regulations can be harsh, hard and pressing, but that’s not what Jesus wants for people.  Jesus wants people to live in relationship with Him.”

- Joyce Meyer, Promises for Your Everyday Life 

She is absolutely right.  That is something that has been of interest to me for years: relationship vs. religion.  We are not supposed to be creating a façade that others will like.  We are supposed to be seeking God and deepening our personal relationships with Him.  That relationship is how you learn to hear His voice, feel His love, and follow His leading.  When God created man and woman, he created them for relationship with each other and with Himself, but sometimes we tend to just focus on relationship with each other.  My prayer is that I fall deeper in a relationship with my Savior.  Everything in life will fall into place with Him as my focus.

When we lose sight of that relationship and take our focus off Christ, we fall into religion.  Let’s take Christianity alone for instance.  How many denominations are there?  How many of those denominations fight with each other?  How many crude remarks are made about certain denominations on a regular basis?  We were created to be one body, so why is there so much discord? 

Not having Christ at the center causes division and chaos; whereas following Jesus unifies people.  It’s true.  If you approach someone and talk to them about Jesus, you are typically going to get a more positive response than if you ask them if they want to become a Christian.  That’s because Jesus was perfect; He did nothing wrong.  Humans have tainted the meaning of Christianity.  It leaves a sour taste in the mouths of those who are not “Christians” or don’t believe in God.  Religion, therefore, divides us.

I could probably go on about this for a long time, but I will stop here.  When I think about it, it’s simple to me to see that Christ brings us together.  The bantering, arguing, and controversies causes by religion do the opposite.  That is why I choose to follow Christ and get to know Him better.  As I seek Him more, my relationship with Him deepens, and I can live the life to which He has called me.

Lent Day 17: Marching On

[Yes, pun intended.  It’s March 1.]

If I haven’t emphasized this enough, here it is again.  Jesus Calling is probably the absolute best devotional I have ever read.  Sarah Young really has a keen ear to hear what the Lord is saying, and the encouragement is nearly always what I need.  Reading what the Lord revealed to Sarah helps me discern what it is that He is speaking to me.  Many times, I will have heard the same from Him before I read it in Jesus Calling.  Sarah Young has several other devotionals that I have not had the chance to read yet, but I’m sure they are all just as wonderful!

Here’s a couple more examples of what I mean:

 

“You are on the right path.  Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts.  I am leading you along the way I designed just for you.  Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking.  But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone.  Do not expect anyone to understand fully My ways with you, any more than you can comprehend My dealings with others.  I am revealing to you the path of Life day by day, and moment by moment.  As I said to My disciple Peter, so I repeat to you: Follow Me.”

“When something in your life or thoughts makes you anxious, come to Me and talk about it.  Bring Me your prayer and petition with thanksgiving, saying ‘Thank You, Jesus, for this opportunity to trust You more.’  Though the lessons of trust that I send to you come wrapped in difficulties, the benefits far outweigh the cost.  Well-developed trust will bring you many blessings, not the least of which is My Peace.  I have promised to keep you in perfect Peace to the extent that you trust in Me.  The world has it backwards, teaching that peace is the result of having enough money, possessions, insurance, and security systems.  My Peace, however, is such an all-encompassing gift that it is independent of all circumstances.  Though you lose everything else, if you gain My Peace you are rich indeed.”

See what I mean?? How much more amazing could that be??  Reading truth and hearing truth and seeing truth unfold in my life teaches me more about God than just one of these three things happening.  Each method helps me trust and move forward more. 

Shew!!! God is so amazing!!!  I can’t say much more than that right now.

Lent Day 16: Thankful

Jesus Calling today reminded me again not to compare myself to others.  God has a specific, individual purpose for me.  It is great to have reminders of truth.  With those around, I am more likely to focus on the truth and less likely to dwell on lies that I could tell myself. 

Having reminders of the truth helps me to continue to move forward in my journey of life.  I’m learning to live in God’s Presence throughout the day . . . and it’s a pretty good feeling.  I still don’t recognize His Presence 24/7, but He is becoming more prevalent to me.  I know I always have someone on my side who loves me more than anyone else ever could.  And I can feel Him surrounding me at certain times.

I’m definitely at peace right now even though I have a lot to do.  I am extremely thankful for all that God brings me through daily and that He never leaves me.  I am also thankful that He made me for a purpose much greater than I could ever dream for myself.  His ways are better than mine.  There is SO much to thank Him for that I will never be able to thank Him enough. 

I am thankful every day, but that thankfulness was more central today.  It was my focus.