Looking Forward

Since it is currently 1:40am, this will be my last post of the night/early morning.  It may not contain everything that was originally intended to be in this blog post.  It may be short.  But at least I'm finally writing it.

In less than 30 hours, I will be leaving for a five-week missions internship in the Dominican Republic.  I have not packed.  I have not finished the books I wanted to read in preparation for serving in a different culture.  Quite honestly, there's a lot that I haven't completed that won't be completed before I leave.  Nonetheless, I am looking forward to the experience.

I believe God has spent the past 23 years of my life (yes, that would be my whole life) preparing me for this opportunity.  Last December was my first mission trip experience, the first of many.  This will the first time I have spent longer than a week outside of the country in 8 years, the first time for missions. 

I am excited and nervous.  There are other emotions involved, but those are the main two.  Maybe anxious is a better word than nervous.  I know this experience is going to be wonderful, incredible, life changing, unforgettable, among other descriptors.  I am so thankful that God has chosen me to walk this path.  I am blessed to have this opportunity.

I am looking forward to what is going to happen in the next 5 weeks . . . the people I will meet, the friends I will make, the lives I will be able to pour into, the resulting effects on me . . . the list could go on.  It's hard to believe it's already time for me to leave.  This is going to be one amazing journey :)

Overwhelmed (In a good way)

I have been meaning to post this for weeks. Literally. But every time that I sat down, I never picked up a computer to type out my thoughts. Believe me, there are many blog posts written in my head that never make it to the World Wide Web. Most of them are written while driving . . . those times when I can unfortunately not put words on paper or a computer screen. Anyway, I digress.

Since I am so far behind in what I have been wanting to say, there may be a small string of blogs posted tonight (this morning?). Then again, since it is after midnight, I might fall asleep sometime soon. We shall see.



Nearly three weeks ago, I completed my first year of medical school. This was the toughest academic semester I have ever been through. I remember being rather stressed in some semesters of undergrad, but it never seemed this bad. I spent many nights at wit's end in tears, struggling to get everything in my brain for the next upcoming test that was always around the corner. Thankfully, I have a fantastic mom, boyfriend, and close friends who constantly reminded me that God was always with me. They listened to me cry, vent, and sometimes even want to quit. But they still encouraged me when I needed it most.  Mama and Tyler especially would not let me forget that this is what I am called to do.  Everything will be great in the end.

It's so easy to NOT believe encouragement like that when it is spoken in the midst of tough times . . .

In the deepest parts of me, I knew they were right.  But I let the stress get to me so much that I forgot that God was always there, always providing, always loving me.  I really did need that encouragement from my family and friends.  The encouragement and the (sometimes irritating) reminders that God was there. (Irritating in the sense that I knew they were right, but it took SO MUCH FAITH to actually live and believe it. I guess in a way, it was easier to have a pity party rather than be strong in my faith.)

Even after I really grasped the fact that God is always with me, I still had those times of doubt all the way up to the final block exam.  I walked out of that exam feeling great about one subject and iffy on the other two.  See, before the exam, I had a B average in one class and a C average in the other two classes.  I was passing everything (Praise the Lord!!!), but I was not where I wanted to be. 

My goal: Bring at least one of the C's to a B, and do the best possible in the class I had a B in.



I studied nearly all night long (not the smartest idea) and walked into the test knowing that I had studied enough to pass everything.  But had I done enough to reach my goal?  When I walked out of the test, I did not feel like I had done enough.  (Sidenote: my mama's voice just went through my head saying, "We don't confess or act on how we feel. We act on what we know.")  I would not allow myself to speak negatively about the situation.  I thanked God for getting me through the test successfully.

Then all I could do was wait . . .

Exam grades came out that Thursday (I think), but I didn't check my email and grades until Friday.  I remember nervously sitting there in Tyler's kitchen in anticipation. 

Checked the physiology grade: Passed!

Checked the pharmacology grade: Passed!!

Checked the virology/parasitology/immunology grade: Passed!!!

Goal: ACCOMPLISHED!!!

I was so excited that I was almost in tears.  The first year of medical school was over . . . successfully.

I remember going over to sit on the couch feeling so overwhelmed and thankful for all that God brought me through in the past year.  Then I heard Him say, "Didn't I tell you that I would always be with you?"  I was so awestruck in that moment.  God did tell me that He would always be with me.  He did, over and over again.  And I lost faith.  I didn't completely trust Him.  Yet he stayed with me. 

He was still faithful, even when I was faithless.

That truth overwhelmed me even more.  All those times that I don't acknowledge that God is there in the midst of everything, He still remains with me.  Those times when I lose faith, hope, and trust in Him, He is still with me.  Those times that I think it's a better idea to rely on myself instead of Him (which it never is), He remains faithfully by my side.

Even now just thinking of how faithful God is and how much He loves each of His children, I am overwhelmed.  But it is definitely a good overwhelmed.  I like feeling the love of my Father.  It is refreshing.  It is healing.  It is perfect.  It is Love.

Final grades have not been posted yet, but my goal has already been reach and may indeed be surpassed.  Funny how God does that . . . surpasses our goals.  Sometimes we just don't think big enough for God.  Thankfully, He thinks big even when we don't.  I'm expecting great things.  And I know the next year of medical school will be even better because I have learned to rely on God more . . . and I know He is always with me.  Leading me.  Loving me.

Weekend Nostalgia

There are so many things to praise God about!! I came out of my test confident, which has not happened lately. We do not have our grades yet, but I still feel confident that I did well on all 3 subjects. Glory to God!!!

After Thursday, the weekend was basically here (other than the 4 lectures we had Friday morning). Tyler arrived Thursday afternoon, and we went out for pizza and rented a movie. We're such a cool couple! (He and I both agree to that statement even if other people don't) :P It was definitely amazing to be able to spend time with Tyler. Usually when we see each other, I'm frantically studying for yet another test. This time, he came right after the test. It was glorious!

Friday, we had DCOM Spring Gala. Yes, I had quite a few freakout moments before Gala (such as I hate formals, I can't do anything with my hair, why am I going to this, what is the point)...you know, usual tomboy freakout moments. Poor Tyler had to deal with me acting crazy. I am so glad he is patient with me :)
Once we got to Gala, got dressed, my hair was done (Thank you, Denielle!!), make-up on, jewelry on (yeah, I don't do this dress-up thing often), things got a little better. Dinner was great! Seeing everyone dressed up was really nice.

But the best thing about the whole night was getting to spend it with my friends . . .



My friends mean the world to me. Really. Without my friends, I would not have made it through these past few months. They are the ones who keep me going. Some of them in particular are always reminding me of how faithful God is and that He is always on my side. It's the little things that mean the most . . . an email, text, or a hug sometimes mean more than words can say.

I know my friends already know how much I love them, but they deserve to be reminded every day how much they mean to me. I went through a few years of life with few friends. Now I have the greatest friends anyone could ask for!

Just a few pictures from Gala . . .

 The adorable Sara & Phil. Love them!

 Kayce, Jeremy, me, Tyler

 The gorgeous Sara

 And the gorgeous Megan

 Me with the girls of Georgetown College. Denielle, Megan, and Sara all went to undergrad together, but I feel like I've been part of their lives for years even though I'm the new girl.

 Tyler always wins something everywhere he goes. This time was no different :)

 It's not every day that Tyler and I get to go out like this. I definitely enjoyed having him here for a few days. He left 6.5 hours ago, and I already miss him.

 Omair and I representing the state of NC!!



We were missing Phil & Sara, but we got the other 2 couples together. Love you, Megan & Jordan!

There are so many other memories made this weekend. Just getting to spend 3 days with Tyler made it memorable. Yes, it's sappy but true. We've known each other for almost 6 years now and have been dating for less than a year of it . . . but I certainly couldn't imagine life without him. He knows me better than anybody else, and we keep learning more about each other. Our relationship is like none other I've seen, and I mean that in a good way! I'm definitely looking forward to all the amazing memories we are going to make together :)


Well, tomorrow we have Part 2 of Thursday's test. Apparently 6 questions were left off of the test, so we have to answer those after 4 hours of lecture tomorrow morning. That's just the beginning of a long Monday, so I should get some sleep.

I know for a fact that I will be thanking God for my amazing friends tonight. Life truly wouldn't be the same without them.

God has blessed me beyond measure. Lord, I can never thank you enough for all you do for me.

10 Hours...

My next exam is in 10 hours, but I have not yet been through all of the material. Right now, I am tired. It's 10:12 p.m., but it feels so much later. On the inside, my spirit is crying out to God for help.

I'm trying to listen to Him as to what needs to be done tonight and when I need to just call it a night. Unfortunately, I feel like I will only be at school for one more hour before I head back to my apartment to shower and sleep. There's so much more material to get through though...

However, I know God is with me. He knows how much effort I have put forth. He has brought me through before. He will bring me through again. He is faithful, and I trust Him more than I trust myself.

With the help from my Father, I will conquer this exam!

After all, I am more than a conqueror.

Faithful

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

-Phillipians 4:4-9 (NIV)

This passage is definitely one of the ones I have been stuck on for a few weeks. It's amazing how you can look at such a familiar Scripture in a new light when you really read it for yourself. Many of us know the passage, or at least part of it, but I got to the point that I rarely actively read the Word. Yeah, I would read Scripture, but I failed to read to understand it. Basically, reading became a chore rather than a way to learn the heart of the Father.

But now, let me tell you . . . actively reading the Word is SO much more -- everything! Now I want to read the word daily. I want to discover the words that I have never read. I want to fully understand what God is trying to tell us. Ok, I may never fully understand everything in the Bible, but I certainly want to seek out what God is saying.

As for this passage . . .

It has the overwhelming point that God is faithful. Not everyone would read it that way, but I do. For God to give you peace when you put anxiety aside and present your requests to him and thank Him, He is faithful. What's even better is that He provides peace that doesn't make sense to other people. In medical school, I certainly know what that looks like. A few weeks ago, I was completely anxious and in tears over a test I had the next day that I did not feel at all prepared for. Now, I have a test in about 36 hours and have so much more peace than I did before the last test. No, I don't know everything that has been presented in our many lectures, but my prayer life and faithfulness in reading the Word has improved. And I'm learning to live by God's leading.

I guess a lot of what I'm saying is God was faithful to me even when I wasn't faithful to him. That test that I did not feel prepared for . . . I passed every subject. When I found that out, I cried and praised God for his faithfulness! Countless times, I have been left awestruck at God's provisions for His children. He has not failed me, and He never will.

My goal: to become a more faithful servant to my Father who deserves everything I could ever give him, plus more.

Have I mentioned how good it feels to be blogging again? I've missed being able to share how amazing God is.

Pardon the Departure

It's been nearly a year since my last post. Part of me wants to wait until April 25 to post so it would be exactly one year. It's really crazy to think about what all has happened since my last post. Just a quick update (and nothing nearly comprehensive enough to include everything...)

A week after my last post, my great-aunt passed away in a car accident.

I spent the summer with my granny nearly every day. It was so great to be with family.

I started my first year of medical school in July.

I'm now dating my best friend of nearly 6 years. (And it is unbelievably wonderful!)

My grandfather passed away in October.

That same day, I celebrated the marriage of one of my friends to the love of her life.

On my mother's birthday, I left the country for my first ever medical mission trip.

During that trip, I discovered that I am definitely called to medical missions as a career, including underserved populations in America.

As of 3 weeks ago, I am an aunt to a beautiful little boy.

Two weeks ago, I completed my first half-marathon.

I'm applying to the National Health Service Corps, which was created to place physicians in underserved areas.
Pretty perfect, right?

I'm 4 weeks away from finishing my first year of medical school.

I'll be spending the majority of the summer as a medical mission intern in the Dominican Republic and Haiti.

From the happiness I'm finding now, many would never know that this has also been the most faith-testing year of my entire life.

We medical students hear about how tough classes are and how difficult it is to balance everything in life; however, they don't tell you that it is really easy to become the worst version of yourself. I allowed that to happen . . .

I have been tested what feels like a million times. Instead of retreating into God's arms, I retreated into myself. It was not a good situation. The perky, positive girl became sullen and negative for so long that it became a habit. Outside of school, life was great. In school, life was depressing because I allowed it to become that way. Just in the past few weeks, I have been able to start overcoming the unhappiness and negativity. It hasn't been easy, but I'm doing it.

Every day, I wake up and remind myself who God says I am. Every night before I go to bed, I remind myself again who God says I am. Each day is still a battle, but I know that God is with me . . . always.

I am blessed and highly favored of God and man.

I am more than a conqueror.

I have the mind of Christ.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I am beautiful.

I am loved.

These simple sentences are what now gives me strength every day. That combined with amazing friends and family who believe in me and are praying for me and with me is all that I can ask for.

I have yet another test this week, but I'm more at peace about it than I was the last one. I know I still have a lot to learn in the next 60 hours, but I can do it!

Long story short, I can see the beauty in life again. It's amazing to be more of myself again.

And it's all because of Him.

To God be the glory!

Joy > Anger

Pardon the absence over the past . . . month?? Life has changed over the past few weeks. I'm still in the learning process with everything, and I'm still trying to get past myself.

Today, though, I have a case of the Mondays.

I am sitting in the library. I should be studying for my exam that is in a few hours. Instead, my mind keeps running in circles. Thoughts about how I am going to get everything accomplished in the next couple weeks consumes my mind. I have an exam today, 3 exams next week, packing/moving, military stuff to take care of, and to top it all off, the lock on my car door broke today. Since I do not have keyless entry on my car, I basically have to do a dance around the car to get in it. (It's funny but a long explanation. I will spare you details.)

What's so great about all of this is that I keep laughing about it. The devil has tried to tear me down, but somehow I still have joy. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind, but I'm still smiling. Yes, every time something unexpected happens, I am angry. That anger, however, lasts for only a moment. When the lock fell into the car door today, I just stared at it. Then I tried to dig it out of my door (which I'm sure would have been hilarious if someone saw me). Once I realized I couldn't get it out, I stared at it some more. When I left the post office later on, I laughed at myself because I unlocked the passenger door, reached in and unlocked the driver door, then walked around my car to get it. All I could think about was how ridiculous I probably look to everybody else.

But at least I have joy!! :)